Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are.
I, quite arguably, grew up in the last generation were “it” persistently existed. This is sad in a sense because I am only 34 years old. “It” was a self check that allowed one to think and make rational decisions about irrational behaviors.
“It” is actually defined as a painful sense of guild or dishonor; deep regret; modesty; something that causes reproach or disgrace. The “it” that I’m referencing use to be shame, but somehow, shame has been replaced with “keeping it real” or as some young people call it “keeping it gangsta,” or “keeping it one hundred.” And I ask, “how real is that?”
Let us explore what shame used to do.
Written by Cornell Dews
inspired by a conversation I had with my Mom
Shame made heroin addicts (intravenous drug users) wear long sleeve thermal undershirts in the summer months, covering their track marks. Shame limited prostitution to designated venues and not residential areas like say uhm…any corner were crack is being sold (no pun intended). Shame prevented young boys and grown ones alike, from walking around with their underwear (whether washed or not) from being on display for all eyes to see.
Shame kept family’s personal information personal.
But eventually, “keeping it real” superceded “shame.” Shame along with respect prevented inappropriate conversations and actions between the youth and their elders. Shame prevented a capable student from failing and accepting his failure.
Shame prevented us from so openly allowing the usage of the N word. Shame was a self inflicting deterrent which prevented you from exposing our personal baggage to others. Shame would remind us that it’s not what you do, but instead how you do it. Keeping in mind that if you’re doing something that you’re ashamed of, you shouldn’t be doing it.
The absence of shame has led to the detriment of a whole generation. Taking into consideration that shame has been wholeheartedly replaced with “keeping it real,” let us explore what that has done. But before I continue, allow me to ask, “is anyone ashamed of anything nowadays?”
“Keeping it real” made fashion designers develop clothing that will allow young men to comfortably walk around exposing their underwear. “Keeping it real” banished the concept of personal information. Instead it’s public information that we’re now “keeping it one hundred.”
“Keeping it real” made it not cool to be intelligent. “Keeping it real” states that a person can do or say whatever he wants, to whomever he wants, whenever he wants, without taking into consideration the effect of his actions on anybody, including himself.
And once again I ask, “how real is that?” When instead I should be asking, “how stupid is that?”
When shame, along with a lack of respect disappeared our troubles began. Today, people will actually tell you that “you have nothing to be ashamed about.” And we know that is so far from the truth. The growing number of illiteracy in our community is something to be ashamed of. The alarming number of high school dropouts is something to be ashamed of. The high number of violent juvenile offenders and their many arrest is something to be ashamed of. Especially when we, as adults aren’t doing all that we can to help correct, direct and redirect our children. Using prison as a “rites of passage” for black boys is something to be ashamed of. Encouraging our children to partake in illegal activity as a means of financial dependence is something to be ashamed of. Allowing our little girls to dress too provocative is something to be ashamed of. Not being able to help our children with their homework is something to be ashamed of. To be quite honest, the list of things to be ashamed of is continuous. Are you ashamed yet?
Then again, maybe it wasn’t shame that prevented these things from occurring so frequently and rampantly when I was growing up. Maybe it was a stronger family structure that alleviated those actions which have now become acceptable in our community? Maybe it was the influence of our elders whom we respected and who demanded our respect that prevented us from doing some of these harmful things to ourselves, neighbors and community? Maybe it was our teachers, pastors, police officers who walked the beat and related to the community they were sworn to serve and protect which prevented some things from occurring? Maybe it was the expectations that we knew were placed on us by those who looked like us? And if this is the case, then I ask, “where did we go wrong?” Because it’s a shame that we’ve decreased our standards and expectations and have allowed our children to replace what we knew to be a deterrent with something that does the inverse. Wouldn’t you agree?
Written by Cornell Dews
inspired by a conversation I had with my Mom
Suggestion Box
October 12th, 2007 at 3:13 am
How interesting (and totally unsurprising) that no one leaves a comment about something REAL.
Shame is something that should not ever be used to regulate what is or isn’t moral. Shame only makes one believe that they have absolutely no self worth. Try another learning tool; a far more positive and inspiring one. Shame has ruined many people’s lives, many people’s self-esteem.
Perhaps I’m gettin too deep with this one, RealTalk. Thanks for a REAL posting.
October 12th, 2007 at 3:29 am
watch dave chappelle when keep it real goes wrong
October 12th, 2007 at 4:03 am
lilsony u are right but it is a double edge sword, b/c shame/respect did have alot to do with me pulling my pants up around the elders in my community when I was a youngsta. but ONE of worst thing to ever happen to our community was the “keeping it real” motto
October 12th, 2007 at 4:08 am
#3, cosign!
October 12th, 2007 at 4:35 am
Good shout REALTALK, this guy has put his point across in an impressively articulate way, i love his use of todays examples of shameful occurrences. Although i think the passage is greatly based on massive assumptions and quite ironically has taken a subjective view point on how beneficial possessing shame can be. Although Cornell raises some good points, i think we should also consider the evident drawbacks of shame. Honorary killings for example, the shame of having your daughter dating a man from another culture or race, the shame of pre-marital sex leading to forced marriages. Shame may have its benefits in todays deteriorating society, but i believe changing yourself should come about as a result of what you think is right and not what it is considered by others to be right.
October 12th, 2007 at 5:02 am
couldn’t agree with u more on this.#1 and #3 made great points good post.
October 12th, 2007 at 5:27 am
i agree with #3 as well. there was a time when women were ashamed of selling their bodies. Now i see young girls walking around saying, “if he wants something from me he gone have to pay me” with their heads held high saying “if im gone f i might as well get paid for it”. i bring this up because i see alot of this in my community and it saddens me. superhead has glorified a career that should be shameful.
October 12th, 2007 at 6:17 am
“Shame prevented us from so openly allowing the usage of the N word”
N I G G A PLEASE!
October 12th, 2007 at 6:34 am
thank you, realtalk.
October 12th, 2007 at 6:36 am
Keeeeeeeeeeeep it Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangsta!
There may be a lot of highschool drops indeed, because, just from some of the people that post on this blog you would think they didnt pass the 8th grade!
ha! suckers!
October 12th, 2007 at 6:48 am
Post was refreshing to read, Honestly the youth is being brainwash to act and dress a certain way. What kill me is the whole “I Don’t Give A Fuck” attitude young women always give. Or “Don’t Care If I Die” attitude males always have. Some may assume that it start from lack of African American father in the household. Even that may be truth on some level, some children have both a parent around and still go that route. It just the mind state, change the mind state change the world.
October 12th, 2007 at 6:57 am
agree with #3, so sad, but so true
October 12th, 2007 at 7:31 am
i really enjoying reading this guys articles,spread the knowlegde.
October 12th, 2007 at 7:55 am
“Shame” is keeping a lot of people from “keeping it real” right now & post a comment because their ashamed of what he’s talking about. He make’s some very intersting points with this.
October 12th, 2007 at 8:34 am
Shame should never be placed upon someone to regulate ones actions. However, shame does possess the power to curve ones actions or ideals of themself. Shame and pride are antonymous of each other. Without pride there can be no shame. Instead of focusing on what causes shame, consider what is ignorant…. As the saying goes “ignorance is bliss”.
October 12th, 2007 at 8:35 am
“where did we go wrong?”
I think it is lack of knowledge… that’s causing everything to go wrong
For example, you have average rappers making Thousands of dollars,, (Notice I said thousands and not millions)and the first thing you see as a sign of their wealth is a diamond necklace. They did not have the “knowledge” to invest their money into something that will last long after rap.
You have people quick to claim where they are from but they don’t own any real estate in that community or the knowledge to get it. And they don’t vote or have a impact on anything positive in the community.
You have women in these crazy relationships but have no idea what a real man is not to mention the single mothers making an attempt to show a BOY how to be a MAN.. however she never seen one…SMH
You have parents that are not involved in their kids’ education and lack knowledge on how to properly solve problems without whipping their kids all day resulting in an endless cycle of abuse and no ability to solve a problem without resorting to violence
Keeping it real went wrong the minute the blind led the blind.. Everybody is for self these days. I doing my part to try and keep my family tight. I sit down as a family and eat dinner with my kids as a family and we talk about the world around us. Im a 34 year old male and I have 2 boys.. Im doing my best to raise kids that won’t rob your ass when you get older and yell out IM KEEPING IT GANGSTA!! Values are missing and respect is leaving slowly.. It can start with you today to make a new beginning and change all the BS.. Start within your family.. I rounded up some of the dudes in my family and I took them all to dinner and we spoke in the cycle of ignorance that been going on in our family and its time to step up be fathers and be real men, not this fake little boy immature thing going on in our society..
This goes out to all races
Good write up as usual Mr Dews!!!
October 12th, 2007 at 8:44 am
In all fairness I don’t believe under any degree that a motto can define or effect any moral stance in a person based on the fact that it can represent different things to different people. I believe that what is said or done does reflect on ones up bringing to some degree. Shame is not something to embrace to help better ones self by far. It’s not about having shame but in fact self worth. I take the term “keeping it real” term in a whole different context, as in keeping it real with one self. More so being honest and real to myself. I was raised properly to know right from wrong and even when I do stray off and do something outlandish I keep it real with myself and acknowledge it and move forward to do better. See the problem is that everyone is looking to blame someone or something instead of taking responsibility and not striving for self betterment.
Parents aren’t in the home as much as before thats a given. There no longer is the community love that once embraced the concept of it takes a village to raise a child. Children were raised to know better and do better previously. Without parents or guidance at an early age is what has led the next generation to where it is now to an extent. Even those raised well are not exempt from slipping at times. People still have shame and still aren’t morally correct. Hence you have the priest raping children, people shooting others its not about having shame its about people no longer giving a fuck and not remembering their self worth and the value of life.
October 12th, 2007 at 9:15 am
this was deep and something the younger generation needs to pay attention to, everything he said in that piece was so true
October 12th, 2007 at 9:43 am
these are all valid points. but i don’t believe you should dismiss shame as a focal point for acting upright, because it was all we knew back then to regulate our behavior. Perhaps guilt is the word youre looking for, because shame is a self-sense of guilt. Guilt makes one feel inadequate in other’s eyes, and may not force a change. Being young I remember teacher’s and elder family members making me pull up my pants. I did not want to be seen smoking in front of elders, even though they knew i smoked. It was that sense of shame that made me hide these things, rather than “keep it real”. It may not have been powerful enough to make me stop being so ignorant, but i never accepted my status as the proper thing to do, and as a grew older i turned over my bad habits, knowing there was a greater community influenced by its people’s actions. In reference to rappers, a lot of them actually do own real estate, businesses, property, and stocks. They dont give off that image because they wouldn’t sell records if they did, for instance Jay Z coming under fire for writing 30s the new 20 having good credit. Human beings are self-motivated individuals, and for the most part do not like seeing the world advance while theyre still struggling…so…a rapper who “keeps it real…poor” is their hero. Thats about it.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:00 am
please SPELL CHECK and copy edit these…
you used “were” instead of “where” in the very first sentence
so it really really distracted me from what might have been a very intellegent opinion
sorry.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:04 am
I am truly feeling this conversation you had with your mom. Wow, I wish that this could be broadcasted on every radio, tv, and internet medium available from the hood to the fortune 500 boardrooms. Somehow & someway we have to wake up those who are dead men/women living from day to day in the prisons, hoods, suburbs, churches, mosques, etc. The revolution will not be televised, because those who continue to oppress and depress us have us right where they want us.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:48 am
mike, that was lame fam, real lame.
October 12th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
This is a well thought out topic…
The problem of shame comes in all shapes and forms from “keeping it real” to “My Nigga”..
I read all of the post and thought that everyone had a great opinion on what they believed the meaning of shame is. I always thought shame equaled embarrassment. Children do not get embarrassed anymore because everything is acceptable.
Mike should be ashamed and embarrassed by the comment he made in reference to someone posting Were instead of Where. Little things count. How do you teach the new generation if the older generation acts as youthful as they? Show yours intelligence by posting something like-minded to Mr. Cornell post. Don’t berate someone-else’s message and not make a comment of your own. What you did is another sign of blissful ignorance. So many African-American walk around with blinders on and do not think of the impact any word or action has on our entire communities.
When I was a child my neighbors would tell my mother everything my sisters and I did throughout the day (if they believed it was damaging or disrespectful). Today, If I attempted to communicate the ill-behavior of a child to their parents I don’t know what repercussions would arise. So we take our chances but this behavior should not exist.
That is “Shameful” and embarrassing because many of the parents are trying to “Keep it Real” with their children.
I can go on and on but I am getting to deep on my B-Day.
So peace all and have a blessed day
October 12th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
cosign 11 and 21.
this is sad tht no1’s checkin this out….u always have sumn intellectual to say err now and then mayne,its nice to let people know u can listen to rap and be intellectual without having to hide it.
October 12th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
this was a great read… smh to #20 that was the dumbest comment of the day…but yea im 18 and i have gangbanged and sold drugs in da past and i have matured as ive gotten older and now seperate myself from wat others do and just do me…so i think bein honest with yoself and honest about wat people around u are doin and how they are influencin u is important on wat kind of mindstate u have…
VITAMIN WATER PEOPLE TRY IT…
October 13th, 2007 at 12:32 am
Reading all of your comments makes me believe that we are not as ‘lost’ as society thinks we are. We still have very deep-rooted values, and despite some of the disparaging music that a few hip-hop artists may put out, it is not a true reflection of the majority. This is what this post has proved. RealTalk, keep ‘em comin.
October 13th, 2007 at 7:48 am
Thank you all for reading my contribution to http://www.realtalkny.net and for your outstanding comments. Please keep reading. And when you read my contributions to this site, understand that I’m trying to accomplish three goals: inform, provoke thought and initiate dialogue. Again, thank you!
In response to the 20th comment left by Mike, you’re absolutely right, grammatical errors can ruin quality work. I must admit that my mom pointed that mistake out to me initially and I thought I changed it prior to posting it on this site. No excuses to be made. My bad.
Cornell Dews
October 13th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
#17 Your Right on point there! I think we all feel that Shame to help us acknowledge exactly what going on around us. It just taking that feeling and making bad decisions.We either take them the right way or the wrong way. Overall its Love we have and shouldn’t be ashamed of. Sometimes people often take that as not keeping it real.