“You Didn’t Have A Man In The House, So You Made One. So I Act Like Your Husband And I’m Only Your Son.”
In approximately 5 seconds into a song titled “I Made It,” on his last cd, rap artist Jay Z immortalized the role of the majority of young black boys in thier family structure. You can hear it exactly two minutes and thirty seconds into the record. Now think about the quote above. Then analyze it. The “you” he’s referring to is obviously the single mother. The “man” that’s absent in the household of course is the father. So, as in too many households, the mother is forced to make a man out of her son, on her own. And because he’s the only “man” in the household, regardless of the age or stage in his life, he acts more like the protector and provider, then he does a son. And we wonder why our community has “gone to hell in a hand basket.” That may be a far stretch of the imagination, but unfortunately, it’s not that far of a stretch.
Written by Cornell Dews
Too many young boys have assumed a role of responsibilities within their family that they should have never had the burden of. They’re being placed in the position of patriarch before they’re old enough to qualify for a work permit and long before they’re eligible to get their driver’s license, let alone buy a drink. Why? Because in so many cases, for whatever reasons (most often reasons that don’t even concern the child), the father is absent. He’s not present to direct or redirect his children when necessary. And I wouldn’t care if he had succumbed to societal ills, ask any male child would he prefer that his father be present in his life or absent, and I’d bet that the majority would say without blinking their eyes “present” with an exclamation.
Have you ever heard of an incarcerated father telling a young male child that he’s now the man of the house? Have you ever heard of a mother referring to her young son as if he’s her man? I’m not saying that it’s wrong, but what I’m asking is for us to consider the burden that those types of expectations place on a child. Because he’s going to attempt to live up to those expectations.
What are the responsibilities of the “man of the house?” He’s the disciplinarian, the provider, and the protector, just to say the least. As the disciplinarian, he enforces the law. If the child has younger siblings (sometimes even older undproductive siblings) he will attempt to discipline them physically, verbally or by using preventive measures pertaining to finances. As the provider, he will attempt to find a means of obtaining monies to assist his mother. Can you imagine how a young man is made to feel when sees his mother struggling financially and he’s not in a position to assist her? Well let me tell you. A son that cares anything about his mother will do anything within his power, be it right or wrong to help her. (please read the following sentence slowly, enunciating each word) That’s done out of love! There’s no disputing that at all, but the resentment that it can cause between a man and his son is insurmountable.
Now I had to read that twice myself because in two lines I went from one extreme (love) to another (resentment) without batting an eye. But think about it? Allow me to be quite honest with you. I love my mother to death, but there are some things that I do that I know my father should be responsible for when it comes to her well being. Now I won’t stop doing all that I can, wishing that I could do more, because I know like most young men, if I didn’t do it, then who would? But when a child has to step in and take the responsibility as the head it can cause disturbances between the child and the individual whom he thinks should be leading. It also lends to the creation of unhealthy relationships, along with serious role reversals. Again, we wonder why our community is in shambles. I ask the question, “who’s the man of your house?”
“Where are you going” and “who are you going with” are no longer questions just reserved for the parent to ask the child. “Don’t have no man calling here” or “who’s that calling you” are statements that we find many young boys saying to their mother’s. It’s strange for a child to have those types of exchanges with their parent, but it’s even stranger when a parent feels a need to answer to a child. The male child doesn’t feel that he’s doing anything other then protecting his mother. And the mother, I’m assuming, just wants to feel the protection of some man. But in many cases, it’s not a “man” that she feels protected by, rather it’s her child, who also wishes there was a man “father” present to make him feel protected as well.
People often times slander rap music, but sometimes the artist make poignant statements. “You didn’t have a man in the house, so you made one. So I act like your husband and I’m only your son.”
written by Cornell Dews
Suggestion Box
August 29th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
funny how when the subject matter requires some intelligence no one wants to drop a comment
August 29th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
jay z…definitely one of the better mainstream cats out right now…
August 29th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
JAY-Z=the GOAT
August 29th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Thats some real shit he’s speakin!
August 29th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
thas why ya boy hova is tha greatest rapper alive .shit applied to me unfortunatly……..throw up tha roc like 50 hahahah
August 29th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Real Talk !!!
August 29th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Yo as someone who has experienced the situation (or similar), this is 100% on point.
August 29th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
couldn’t agree any less with the assessment that was made. Rappers do make some poignant statements but it seems like the senseless statements that rappers make outweigh the poignant statements; hence the reason why hip hop is under attack by middle aged, white America and Fox news.
August 29th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
That’s Real Talk! it takes a real man to face the challenge of raising a fam! so wat does this tell us about men these days? no one (especially men) wants to take responsibility! SMH
August 29th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
To many people dont have their lifes together in this world now days. Everybody so selfish thunking about them selfs. Thats when ya girl comes along and said she preg, from all the pleasure you and her shared. The man just runs, he has nine months to get away.
August 29th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
If you think about it, it makes sense. Thats why guys feel protected by other guys and sometimes feel the need to join gangs in order to feel that bond. These are all additional obstacles that black males have to face to survive in this jungle.
August 29th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Speak on this I will, knowledgable beyond human comprehension I am. Changes, must come to this world. Fast they must come. The force, is not strong with niggas these days.
Simple soloution there is to this tradegy.
Condoms these men must wear. Irresponsible black fathers they are. IF you are not ready to take care of a child, have one u must not.
Black kids are having kids. Kids cannot take care of kids, so the fathers abandon their kids.
STOP THIS MUST. KIDS SHOULDNT HAVE KIDS UNDER 18. AND ITS MOSTLY BLACK KIDS.
WEAR CONDOMS YOU MUST!!!!!!!!
August 29th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
This deep. I can definitely relate – coming from a single parent household myself. When your other parent is not around there is definitely something missing from the picture. As only child, I had to be my mom’s daughter, her friend, her counselor , her companion, her everything. Not saying that I minded, but it is a lot of pressure on a young child to have to grow up like that. Thanks for this article.
August 29th, 2007 at 6:57 pm
yo i got mad respect for you for posting something like this…its that real shit…i mean the usual news is koo cuz thats what this site is about but i like how you always include intellectual things as well and woes of our society….thats real shit…real talk.
August 29th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
that is very good read! keep putting up more stuff like this and i would visit your site more
August 29th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Jay-z rhymes should be treated like Pac’s. Lyrics like on song cry.
August 29th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
I must admit this makes a lot of sense and is the main reason for generation of generations of downfall for black men in our communities but only those going through it would understand what is being said but probably wouldn’t admit it or see the fact in the matter I would like to read the person who wrote this book if one is out
August 29th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
Tell ‘em…..
August 29th, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Too many of my niggas never knew who pops was… that’s why I show my pops love…..nas
August 29th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
19 love that quote poppa was a playa thats my joint its true in a lotta households my pops passed wen i was 9 n b4 that my moms n pops was in the process of gettin seperated n i know mad people like that thats part of the reason i was so wild wen i was younger it hurts to not know ya father n shyt but u get used to it bein like that n thats a big problem in the hood period
August 29th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
jigga always say some ill ish. if ppl listen 2 da words u’ll hear alot more. but he’s that good ppl and that dude. aiight
August 29th, 2007 at 11:05 pm
It’s shit like this that you can feel and relate to makes Hov is the best rapper alive,
fuck a Lil Wayne.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:52 am
listen to kingdom come a few more times. its a good album. but this song is arguably the best one on the album
August 30th, 2007 at 5:27 am
Mr.kat speaks the truth that’s why he’s number 1,lol. Why is it that no one wants to use their mind anymore thats the problem with hip hop everybody wants this dumb shit even Nas said it” most intellectuals only half listen”
August 30th, 2007 at 5:28 am
Shit my qoute that I live by made by me ” poppa was a rolling stone,but fuck it cuz I was never home”, n let it marinate
August 30th, 2007 at 5:31 am
THE WHOLE KINGDOM COME ALBUM WENT OVER ALOT OF FOLKS HEAD…
I GUESS YALL WILL CATCH UP IN 5 YEARS
REMEMBER WHEN REASONABLE DOUBT DROPPED NO ONE WAS REALLY PAYING ATTENTION UNTIL HE RE-RELEASED IT IN 1999/2000!
*CATCH UP N!GGAZ*
August 30th, 2007 at 5:48 am
Now thats REAL TALK for that ass!!! Dats y that boi HOV is that nigga..He speak dat real shit,sometimes it may go over peoples heads&some may get it right away but ultamitely the words apply to alot us of wether its directly or by degrees of separation…..An niggaz be hating like “oh dis nigga alwayz talk about money,cash,hoes etc..”,”he not lyrical”…Fuck outta here,Da Fucking best hands down(alive dat is,but still has an argument 4 all time thou)…
“My DNA is in your music,Fuck is stupid”
Sorry to get off the topic,but this is an issue that definitely needs to be addressed &handled…&MY BROTHERS,it needs to start with us….We lay down help make these babies but when the responsibility part comes,we outta site&outta mind…..”dam shit was all good just a week a ago”
This is a trend that brothers dont need to follow!!!!
August 30th, 2007 at 6:20 am
Dam ya’ll be killin da comments if topic was 50vs Kanye on 9/11, who da Fuck cares just support either or both…..even if the topic was about the latest dance or sometin..fuckn Soulja Boy(however the fuck u spell dat shit)&all dat bullshit these bubble gum rappers be talkin bout”somebody tell me WHAT DA FUCK is HE SAYING,TALKING ABout etc???”…niggaz would’ve been commenting like crazy..this topic should’ve been @about 150 or so right now,,niggaz is LAME..i agree w/#1 100%
Niggaz forgot y da Fuck 9/11 is so important nyway,uugghhh the day THOse FUCKING Terrorist Got in our Ass!! now dats real talk!!1 Half of you motherfuckers gon bootleg the shits nyway or allready tried to…..
August 30th, 2007 at 7:08 am
As a community we need to step up as far as our children, the women and men. But just having a man in the house isn’t the answer. A lot of people grew up with both parents around (myself) and it wasn’t fun and games. My parents had so many issues that they didn’t have as much time as you would think 2 parents would and should have. Women tend to keep these triflin men around because they want to keep their “family” together. This isn’t just about men not staying around, this is about women not making the right decisions in men and not having enough confidence or knowledge to change and want more. So I think men AND women are responsible for families or the lack there of. Sorry for the life story and shit. I like topics like this. We need more awareness.
August 30th, 2007 at 7:11 am
#28, real talk, u ar sooooo right
August 30th, 2007 at 7:15 am
As a 35 year old single parent of an 11 year old boy, I know that you have to make a conscious effort to let your son be a CHILD while also teaching him how to be a man and not coddling him. It is a very fine line, and the first thing a single mother can do is make sure that she is not financially struggling. When there is no financial burden — and when you have brothers, a father, uncles, and GOOD male friends around — it is much easier to let a boy be a boy.
I wish my son WOULD try to dictate ANYthing to me. It is incombent upon women to be a mother first, last, and only with her son. I refuse to depend on my CHILD to provide anything to me, including guidance or rules.
Now, I have a boyfriend of about a year and we are about to be married in February. But for a few years prior to meeting him, I kept telling myself “I can do it all on my own”, but this is not true. Men and women need each other, and in order to attract GOOD, STRONG men who can hold the family down, women have to play their role and be a good woman first.
Basically, single mothers MUST put their childs’ well being first. We need to focus, get out there and work, and better ourselves INTERNALLY so that we can provide that family structure for our boys. If you can’t provide that family structure (mother and father), then you MUST involove your sons in sports and other male nurturing activities. Women can not raise boys ALONE no matter how touch or strong we think we are.
August 30th, 2007 at 7:23 am
And another thing, women need to be quiet around their sons. Grown folks business is GROWN folks business. My son sees me cry at funerals, period. I’m not about to go around my son crying and moaning about some NIGGA or some grown folks business. When I have to talk on the phone and gossip or whatever, little man is in another room. Women your support system is NOT your son. Stop being so unfriendly and make some GOOD HOMEGIRLS and male friends to tell your problems to. If all else fails, take it to God or a therapist. Just don’t ruin lil man’s day behind some stupid ish that you shouldn’t be involved with ANYway.
August 30th, 2007 at 7:34 am
Jay-z has been spitting like this his whole career. If niggas would just listen to the lyrics.
As he once said:
“I am so far ahead of the rest, I could start a new life and pass you lames twice” …chew on that for a minute!!
” I never go broke my name has 2 “G’s”…J-I-G-G-A, flip that pawn the platium and be back on the next day!
August 30th, 2007 at 7:42 am
All of a sudden everyone on Hov nuts…yeah when the album came out everyone but me who posted a comment on here thought it was trash..I told ya niggas this nigga been spitting real talk..I don’t know why people sleep on hov..I have no idea why? Everything he spits is real talk..just like Pac..and..even in reasonable doubt when he says ..”all these blacks got is sports and entertainment, until we even
thieving, as long as I’m breathing
can’t knock the way a nigga eating..” is a damn fact..the most unsuccessful African Americans are entertainers…think about it – - –that’s all we got. He’s saying until we even ..meaning even withthe white folks..that’s why he took the president spot at Def Jam..cause he shows by example not just rhyming…
Just like the “Get By” Remix..when he spits…And your folks think Hov’ just wrote stuff to rhyme
Nah, I’m a poster for what happened seein your moms
Doin five dollars worth to work just to get a dime…real talk.
August 30th, 2007 at 7:43 am
2 many Black women are so qucik to bring “ANY” man around their child, that they are dating. When he grows up he will have no respect for women nor you.
What’s worse is this lesbian thing that is in right, now. How you going to expect a child to understand seeing Mommy go to bed with another woman everynight?? Just because some nigga hurt you, don’t make ALL men bad. If you keeping getting the same issues with diffrent men, something is up with your taste.
Hell what do you do after a few women hurt you…Start dating animals,next??? Move on and learn from your mistakes, dont be so quick to jump into these fades ( Gay,Bi-sexual) That is just what you like RIGHT now, 10 years from now, when your child is grown up, they are screwed, as Black men and women we already have enough against us. We don’t need to bring anything else against us, being Black is enough to have to deal with in this “white” country. Being a woamn is also a issues, so if you Black and a woman, and Gay, you dont have a fucking chance!! Don’t bring that Gay shit around them kids.
If you like the same sex do it in private, wait until the child is in the bed or something!!!
August 30th, 2007 at 7:45 am
I meant SUCCESSFULL Afican Americans..not Unsuccessful..Sorry damn!.
August 30th, 2007 at 7:45 am
damn man, so true, great great article, props
August 30th, 2007 at 8:13 am
Even though I think this is a good article, it conflicts with the reality of why the cycle continues. Being that I can relate (as a lot of you can) you would think that we who experienced this as boys would do everything in our power to not let it happen again within our own families but it continues to be an issue. We are into our 3rd and 4th generation of black men not raising their children (not all, but a good #) so I ask black men why doesn’t the Cycle stop? My only issue with Hov and everybody riding his nuts is that he is 38 years old and finally becomes a man. The whole hype around Kingdom Come is how “Grown Up” the album is, shit nigga you are 38 shouldn’t it have been grown up a several years ago, thats the only reason he doesn’t get man of the year award in my book. How about you all listen to some Mos Def, his music has long been entertaining and grown up for years. Another issue with black men is that we put faith and admiration in the wrong type of black men. Kingdom Come would’ve been a milestone if it was released when Jay-Z was 26 or 27.
On Blast – 7 City
August 30th, 2007 at 9:07 am
On Blast
The Black Album was a grown up album also, with the excetption of Dirt Off You Shoulders! Hov Grew up, but some ppl dont like the new Hov!
Everybody screamin they want the old Hov
But the New improved Hov
Hits like Albert Pujols!
August 30th, 2007 at 9:30 am
@ KB
I agree the new Jay-Z is just fine but my problem is with his age. Should we be celebrating the fact that he’s all grown up at age 35+ ?? It just seems funny to me, if thats the age that we as black men are aiming to become mature, then we have some serious issues, lol. By the way lets not forget that 30 something song he had on Kingdom Come.
On Blast – 7 City
August 30th, 2007 at 9:56 am
it may sound like im a hating ass female, but on average i noticed that alot of men dont reach their maturity until they are 30 or older. i dont think people are aiming at that, but thats about the time where people are finally in the place they want to be in life. hell especially when u been grinding so hard while you were young and at that point u can realx a lil bit.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:29 am
On Blast
He says he’s grown becuz all these other rappers who is damn near around his age aint showin any growth! Jay, Nas, & Dre 3000 is on their grown man shyt! There are others but like he said on that Barbra Walters Special! Guys are 40 yeas old actin and rappin like their 15! Its sad! Thats where he’s comin from with this I’m Grown Movement! Same with Nas and 3 Stacks!
August 30th, 2007 at 10:31 am
I meant Guys are 30 yeas old actin and rappin like their 15! My Bad!
August 30th, 2007 at 10:55 am
lol @ juicygotemcrazy, I am sure there are a lot of females that will agree with you. But even without my pops in my life I’ve been blessed enough to seek out the right kind of role models which does help one mature faster, when I was young I admired the cats on the block too but I realized part of the reason life became even harder than it already was, is b/c everybody is doing the same thing; ie we as black men need to break these cycles.
@ KB, I fully understand (and agree) with what you are saying as far as 30+ dudes rappin like they’re 15 and Jay comin at them that way, I just think we tend to write off cats who are 25 and show immense growth in any field musice or otherwise; therefore Jay-Z’s growth as a rapper at age 35 isn’t anything to be harped on or celebrated, its something that is overdue as a man.
On Blast – 7 City
August 30th, 2007 at 11:21 am
On blast, why you have to laugh at me? LOL
anyway, i agree with you 100. alot of people use their upbringing as a crutch, making excuses as to why they arent making the right moves. these young men need to stand up and take responsibilty for their lives. Im a young mother and i have a 3 year old son. his dad isnt around, but i have brothers that are doing their thing and a father that is going to make sure he knows what a real man is.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
i agree w/#41,dont think ya hatin just speakin realtalk…its like when you get or approaching 30,its a big thing&your eyes kinda open up alil more to the world&shit becomes more serious…Its kinda sad but its reality…We bullshit thru our 20’s then be like,dam I’m alomost 30 i gotta get it together..You think more about the people u associate with,worry about job security,family if you havent started allread…You just begin to put things in a different perspective..
August 30th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
“Victim of a single parent household, born in a mouse hole”
Jay-z
#41
It depends on what an individual considers mature. Your definition maybe different than mines. But generally speaking you maybe right.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
#28 get ya shit str8 bush took down the tower so we could go to war to get oil to pay for all the luxuries we have n the states,i mean the shit do cost money right n we are n debt. It kinda reminds me of your local dope boy kickin n a door n snatchin some coke to feed his kids….niccas gotta eat…….
August 30th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
#41 you don’t sound like you’re hatin’ at all, that’s a pretty fair assessment… Excellent post.
#44 excellent post, couldn’t have said it better myself. You don’t have to live someone else’s life. Every man has a chance to choose his own destiny, regardless of the previous circumstances..
Keep it up, decent topic for a change!
August 31st, 2007 at 11:21 am
Yea dats sum real ass talk… but the truth of the matter is, men need to start being men and stop having kids everywhere and not taking care of them, cuz thats gon make them grow up and either be dead in the streets , or a way better man for themselves and their mother….
August 31st, 2007 at 2:31 pm
LMAO at all the niggaz on here tryna sound all conscious and shit! And of course #45 know what she talkin about cause she really a nigga posin as a female on the net LOL
September 2nd, 2007 at 8:37 am
blackman as i read the story you wrote i see so many truths.in this day a time so many of our brother are put in the role of been the man of the house and are forced to grow up to fast. when that happen there lives are turn up side down .many things happen they get mixed up w/ the wrong people or some are unable to have a health relationship w/a woman due to mothers(wifey)trying to so call protect her son (husdand)from another woman.i say thank you for you story it`s real ang bother and mother need to read it.
September 7th, 2007 at 5:46 am
Reading something like this, is like watching BET all day and all of sudden, they throw in “read a book.”
September 10th, 2007 at 7:40 am
every one hate on kingdom come but there was some nice verses every body just compare it to old jay not anyone elses album because if alot of other mcs had made this album they would of said its a classic!
jay-z has been real from day 1 hes matured at his age and this album is a more mature album so that is real enough for me!